


The One With Ross' Step Forward

by Loor



Category: Panic At The Disco, Ryan Ross - Fandom
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, mentions of drug use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-06
Updated: 2015-01-06
Packaged: 2018-03-04 05:15:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2953697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Loor/pseuds/Loor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A story about Ryan Ross, drugs and love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The One With Ross' Step Forward

**Author's Note:**

> An old one, transferred from Mibba. The idea came to me years ago during one of my toxicology classes at university.

**Ryan.**  
I was greeted by silence as I walked through the door of my house. The silence hung heavy in the air and it made me slightly uncomfortable.

The absence of sound surprised me. I had expected to come home to the sound of one of my best friends reciting whatever she was studying at the moment.

I wondered if she had fallen asleep as I made my way to the living room. It was empty. The kitchen was empty as well. I was slightly worried as I made my way to the guest room, her room for the past two days.

My heart skipped a beat after I had opened the door.The floor, that had been crowded with papers the day before, was completely clean. The bed was neatly made and the closet was empty. Nothing gave away that someone had been living here just hours ago. Nothing expect a small piece of paper laying in the middle of the bed.

I felt my heart thump in my throat as I walked closer to the bed. My fingers trembled as I picked up the note. I wasn't really sure if I wanted to know what it said, but I knew I couldn't not read it either.

_Ryan,_  
 _I don’t want to deal with this shit. Not now, not ever._  
 _Back to Pete and Ash. Please don’t call._  
 _Lauren._

_PS. Lucy told me to tell you high. You know, the one in the sky, with the diamonds!_

I sank down onto the bed as I read the words again. “Shit!” I mumbled as the situation sank in.

 **Pete.**  
I frowned as I pulled into the empty driveway. The babysitter’s car, that had been there this morning, was nowhere to be seen. Ashlee wasn't supposed to come home from the set of Melrose Place for a couple more hours.

I tried to keep kidnapping and various other scenarios out of my head as I stopped the car and jumped out. It didn't work and I found myself running into the house to look for Bronx.

I stopped dead in my tracks when I heard a familiar voice coming from the living room. I felt my body relax and let out a shaky breath I didn't even realize I was holding in.

“Lauren?” I asked as I walked into the living room after a few moments.

Lauren, who was standing in the middle of the room with a couple of papers in her hands, stopped talking an turned around to face me.

“Oh, hey Pete!” she said with a smile. “I didn't hear you come in.”

“Yeah, I figured as much,” I said, returning her smile.

It was then that I noticed the baby monitor on top of the dresser was turned on.

“Why isn't the babysitter here?” I asked in surprise.

“I didn't see why she needed to stay any longer now I’m here. So I sent her home. I promised you would call her about the payment for these last couple of days though,” she stated as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

I opened my mouth to say something, but closed it again. I knew from experience that there was no arguing with Lauren’s reasoning. Instead I asked a question that burned on my lips since I had entered the house and heard her voice. “I thought you were staying at Ryan’s until your exams were over?“ I said.

Lauren merely shrugged. “Change of plans,” was all the answer I got.

“A change of plans or a change of heart?”

I wanted to smack myself in the head as soon as the words left my mouth. Always saying the wrong things at the wrong moment.

Lauren chose to ignore my comment and started reciting her notes again. The absence of a clever comeback told me something went wrong at Ryan’s place, but I was smarter than to push the subject.

 **Lauren.**  
“You need to talk to Ryan.”

I looked up from the newspaper to see Pete standing in the doorway of the kitchen.

“Excuse me?” I asked before stuffing another spoonful of cereal into my mouth.

“You need to talk to Ryan.” Pete simply repeated his statement.

I swallowed my cereal and looked at Pete with questioning eyes. “Why?” I asked when he didn't react to my expression.

Pete sighed as he walked in and sat down across the kitchen table.

“I talked to Brendon and Spencer last night,” he started. “They are worried. Ryan’s been on time four days in a row. He’s morphed into ‘this needs to be absolutely perfect’ mood. He is constantly bitching about every little detail.”

The questioning look didn't leave my face. I was utterly confused at the direction this conversation was taking.“I don’t see how the fact that Ryan wants everything to be perfect is a bad thing,” I said.

Pete’s lips curled upward a bit when he noticed how clueless I was. The smile left his face as he started speaking.

“Ryan has always been a perfectionist. He usually knows just how far he can push them. But this time he is really exaggerating.”

I shrugged at this words, still not getting what I had to do with this.

“Don’t you get it? He is distracting himself. The last time he was like this was when… when his dad had passed away,” Pete explained.

I felt the color disappear from my face. “Four days…” I managed to get out after a few breaths.

“Since you came back here,” Pete answered my silent question.

I closed my eyes and stayed silent for a while. Pete’s words replayed in my head. I couldn't believe I had caused such a reaction by being mad at him. I took a deep breath before opening my eyes again.

“I’ll go talk to him this afternoon, after my exam,” I was practically whispering to keep my voice from cracking.

Pete simply nodded. “They are recording this afternoon. I’ll pick you up on my way to the studio,” he said.

 **Ryan.**  
My eyes almost popped out of their sockets as I stared at Brendon in surprise. He was screaming at me for about five minutes now.

“And don’t think you’re helping us! We all want this record to be more than perfect and you bitching around isn't helping one bit!” Brendon yelled.

I could practically feel his breath on my face. As he came even closer I quickly took a step back. Facing a fuming Brendon Urie isn't a pleasant experience, so I averted my gaze to look at Spencer and Jon. No support there. Their screams were silent, but their eyes told me the same thing: Brendon is right. And I knew that if I looked in a mirror, my face would probably tell me the same thing. I let out an almost desperate sigh, just before Brendon’s rambling got interrupted by a knock on the door.

Brendon fell silent and all our heads turned to the door. Pete’s head poked through, a small smile playing on his lips.

“I need to talk to you guys.” He announced while completely opening the door.

We put down our instruments and headed to the exit. I was the last one and just as I was about to walk out, Pete pushed me back.

“Not you!” was all he said. Then he turned around and mumbled something.

A slight shuffling of feet could be heard. I knew who was standing next to Pete before I even saw her. And yet I still gasped as Lauren walked in. She gracefully walked across the room. My eyes followed her while I heard Pete close the door behind my back.

She didn't look at me until she sat down against the wall. “We need to talk,” she said as her brown orbs captured my own.

I didn't say anything as I sat down besides her. I wasn't sure what I should say, so I just waited. “Why?” was all Lauren asked after a few minutes of silence.

She sounded confused, a little hurt. I knew right then and there that I had to come clean with her. I could come up with a hundred excuses, but I know I wouldn't. She was too important to me. I didn't want to lose her.

“I don’t know…” I began. “I guess it just got offered to me at a moment where I thought it would help. I had a big discussion with Jon that day and I couldn't find any inspiration for new lyrics. I knew the Beatles took it back in the day, so I thought it couldn't be that bad and it might actually be helpful.”

Lauren’s lips twitched upward as if she wanted to smile. The laugh wasn't in her voice when she spoke again.

“Your Beatles obsession might be the death of you someday, Ryan Ross!” She sounded frustrated. “Did you even take the time to think about side effects?”

The disappointment in her voice was undeniable. I couldn't look at her any longer. My eyes were on my shoes as I shook my head left to right. “I only took it for three months,” I mumbled in an attempt to defend myself.

Lauren sighed and I knew she was trying to keep her calm.

“You don’t need three months for things to go wrong,” she said through gritted teeth. “One bad trip is enough to make you go mental for the rest of your life. And if you manage to stay sane you’ll probably get cancer!”

I closed my eyes to keep the tears from falling. I hated fighting with Lauren. I felt horrible when she was mad and I never knew how to react.

“I’m not taking it anymore,” was the weak response I managed to get out.

“Don’t make empty promises, Ryan!”

Lauren’s response surprised me and I looked up at her again. The anger in her eyes made me realize she had misunderstood my words.

“I’m not taking it anymore,” I repeated. “My last trip was about 10 months ago. I haven’t even seen any of those people the last two months.”

I could tell from the look in her eyes that Lauren wasn’t sure whether or not to believe me. “Lauren, I swear!” I pleaded. “After I met you… You have been my lucky charm over the past year. You made me realize that I needed to get my life back together. I only took one more trip after Pete introduced us.”

Lauren stared at me in silence. When I opened my mouth to speak again, she simply raised her hand to stop me. She closed her eyes and I could almost hear her think. When she opened her eyes again, she captured my eyes with her own. She knew I couldn't lie when looking at her and she was taking full advantage of it.

“Then why did that girl come to your place?” She asked. Her eyes never left mine.

I sighed and tried to find the right words to explain everything. “She had a… a slight crush on me,” I started. I shuddered at the word.

Lauren’s lips twitched upward a bit, which I took as a good sign.

“We… we slept together one time when we were both high. She thought there was more behind it than just the LSD. She followed me around like a little puppy dog. I tried to explain that I just wanted to be friends, but she didn’t seem to get it. Even when I stopped seeing them, she kept calling. I have been ignoring her phone calls for the last two months.”

I noticed Lauren’s lips curl upward further as I explained things.

“Some girls are so oblivious!” she laughed.

“Yeah, some really are,” I said. I smiled lightly while pushing the thought that the most oblivious one was sitting next to me, to the back of my mind.

What followed was silence. It wasn’t awkward, as it would have been minutes ago. We just were both wrapped up in our own thoughts.

“So, are we okay now?” I asked after a few minutes.

Lauren’s answering smile made my breath get caught in my throat. “We are okay now,” she assured me. She chuckled lightly, as if she found it funny that I had to ask.

“So are you coming back to my place?” was my next question.

My heart dropped a little when she shook her head no.

“My exams are over in two days, I might as well stay at Pete’s,” she explained.

A positive answer would have made me happier, but at this point I was just glad we were okay again.

“Whatever you say, love,” I smiled as I pulled her close in a tight hug. Her answering laugh would be ringing in my ears for the next few hours.

 **Lauren.**  
“There are three big categories of drugs: inhibiting, stimulating and hallucinogenic drugs. An example of hallucinogenic drugs is LSD. LSD stands for…”

My little speech to myself got interrupted by a knock on my door. I walked over to open it and was faced by Ryan.

“Hey Ry!” I greeted him. “Come in!” I motioned him to step in.

“I am not interrupting anything?” Ryan’s face was skeptical as he slowly walked in. His eyes went over the papers that were spread across my bed.

“No, it’s no problem.” I smiled as I walked to my bed and started collecting my notes. “I was going through my notes one last time before going to bed.”

“I’m sure you’ll do fine tomorrow,” Ryan said as he sat down on my bed. “What are you studying?”

I chuckled lightly as I put down my stack of notes on my desk. “Ironically, I just got to the part about LSD,” I said while slowly turning around.

Ryan’s face flushed slightly pink, but he cracked a smile. “Sounds interesting!” he said with a wink.

“That’s so not funny!” I exclaimed as I sat down next to him. I playfully smacked his head to underline my words.

“Hey, don’t hit me!” he said as he pushed me lightly in the arm.

“Then don’t push me!” I retorted. I pushed him back with a small smile lingering on my lips.

The next moment I was lying on my back with Ryan on top of me, my hands imprisoned in his above my head. His sudden closeness made my heart speed up. His breath tickling my ear sent a shiver down my spine.

“I really suggest you keep your hands to yourself,” Ryan whispered in my ear.

“Or what?” I challenged him in a mocking tone. I shouldn’t have.

“Or this!” was all he said before he started tickling me.

I squirmed to get free, but Ryan kept me pinned down easily. I yelled for him to stop and tried to push him off, but to no avail. “R-Ry, p-please!” I choked out in between laughs. I wasn’t really sure who was laughing the hardest, him or me.

When Ryan finally stopped and rolled off me, he was heavily panting as well. For a few moment nothing could be heard except for our heavy breathing.

I smiled as I turned my head to look at Ryan. He was lying on his back with his eyes closed. He was still trying to normalize his breathing, a smile was playing across his lips.

“I’m going to miss this when I’m back in London,” I said. My voice was barely above a whisper.

Ryan didn’t move and I wasn’t even sure he had heard me until he answered.

“Then don’t go back.”

His statement was simple. It sounded like it was the most obvious thing in the world to him. I, however, raised my eyebrows at him.

“I need to go back to get my degree.” I stated the obvious. “Or do you want me to waste four years at King’s college and a year at UCLA? What do you suggest, that I stay Bronx’s nanny for the rest of my life?”

Ryan still hadn’t moved when he spoke again. “You could watch Bronx for a while longer…” His voice trailed off as he spoke. Then he finally moved and turned on his side to look at me. “And then maybe you could go on tour with us.”

If possible, my eyebrows raised further at his suggestion. “Wha-“

Before I could even begin my question, he had already silenced me. One of his hands was in my hair as the other roamed the side of my body. His lips molded against mine eagerly. Our lips felt like a perfect match when I started kissing him back. Ryan’s body relaxed against mine and I felt his lips curl upward in a smile. He was clearly relieved by my reaction.

I wasn’t surprised by my own reaction. From the moment Pete had introduced us, I knew Ryan could be more than a friend. As time progressed, my heart would start skipping a beat at little innocent gestures he made and his casual flirting started to hunt me in my dreams. As time progressed I also learned that I would have to be the one making a first move. Or so I thought. But I never did. No matter how I felt about Ryan, I never acted on it. I knew from the start that I would go back to London after a year at UCLA and I didn’t want a long distance relationship. I had seen too many of those end in a bad break up.

I came back to reality when I heard Bronx cry. I pushed Ryan’s arms away and got off the bed.

“Pete or Ashlee will go check on him,” Ryan said as he pulled me back onto the bed.

“Of course. Force of habit.” I smiled as I heard footsteps, which I easily identified as Pete’s, through the baby monitor.

I was leaning in for another kiss when I heard Pete sing, “Tonight I’m writing you a million miles away…” As soon as the words registered in my head I was pushing Ryan away. Ryan’s surprised gasp made me feel like a traitor, but I had to stop this before it could get more out of hand.

I shifted a little to create some space between Ryan and me. “Stupid, stupid, stupid!” I muttered to myself while I buried my head in my hands. I was scared to see Ryan’s reaction. Tears were threatening to spill.

“Lauren?” The single word, drenched in concern, was enough for the tears to start falling. Why couldn’t Ryan make this a little easier and hate me for hurting him?

“Please go!” I choked out in between sobs.

“Lauren, what-” I flinched at Ryan’s touch and moved away further. I didn’t give him a chance to finish his question. “Don’t!” I warned him. “Just go away!”

“Please!” I begged when I felt Ryan move closer again. I heard him sigh, but the movement stopped. Without looking at him, I could imagine him perfectly. Pale face and closed eyes, contemplating his next move.

When the bed moved again, I knew he was getting up. His footsteps stopped at the door. “Just know that I love you,” he whispered before closing the door behind him.

 **Pete.**  
Bronx had just pushed over the tower I had build for him when I heard the back door open. I looked up just in time to see Lauren walk past the door. She looked distracted, but Bronx got her attention before I did. “Lau’n!” he yelled in his high-pitched voice.

Lauren turned around and walked into the living room. She smiled, but the smile didn’t reach her eyes. The little guy in my lap was too young to notice and he just giggled when she tickled him.

“Hey Bronx! Are you having fun? Are you ruining your daddy’s hard work again?” she guessed as she surveyed the heap of blocks on the carpet. “You’ll be such a rascal when you grow older!”

I watched her as she build a new tower. Bronx curiously followed her every move. Lauren didn’t speak to me and I didn’t ask any questions until Bronx reached forward to destroy Lauren’s tower as well.

“How did it go?” I asked.

“How did what go?” Lauren asked in return. Distracted, just like I thought.

“Your exam of course, silly!” I tried to keep my tone light.

“Oh right.” She finally seemed to catch up. “It went great, a piece of cake.”

“Then why does your face look like you messed up big time?” I asked, silently praying I wasn’t pushing this too far.

When Lauren finally looked up at me, she was flashing that fake smile again. “It’s nothing, Pete. I’m just a little distracted, that’s all,” she said.

I opened my mouth to say something, but Bronx chose this moment to grab my shirt to get my attention. “ ‘tar!” he exclaimed rather loudly.

“What’s that, little man?” I asked him. “Do you want your guitar?”

I got up with Bronx in my arms and walked to his playpen. I carefully set the boy down next to his toy guitar. When I turned around again, Lauren was almost at the door. I noticed she still had her coat on. I was about to ask her about her distraction, but the sight of her coat made a thought cross my mind.

“Oh, I almost forgot,” I said. “Some of the guys are coming over tonight. Ash asked me to pick up some things at the store, but I was hoping that maybe you could go?”

Lauren’s usual smile at my pleading stayed absent. “Sure thing,” she answered rather flatly. “Who’s coming?”

“Brendon and Spencer of course. Jon if his flight doesn’t get cancelled again. Patrick got back from New York yesterday. And Bill Beckett is also in town. I called Ryan as well, but he said he wasn’t feeling too great,” I summed up.

Lauren’s face went pale at the mention of Ryan’s name. She choked out a barely audible “Oh…”

“Is he why you are so distracted?” I blurted out.

Lauren didn’t answer immediately. First she took a deep breath. “He kissed me,” she said. Her voice was still just above a whisper and her eyes were closed.

“Well it was about time!” The words and chuckle had left my mouth before I realized it.

Lauren looked up with a questioning expression as if she wondered if I really just said that.

“Sorry!” I hurriedly said, almost stumbling over the word. “It’s just… Ryan has liked you for a long time now. And I just thought… I thought you returned his feelings.”

“I do.” Her two word answer was ridiculously simple and yet I couldn’t make sense of it. It didn’t fit in with her pale skin and sad expression.

“Then what’s the problem?” I asked.

“The problem is that I kissed him back.”

Lauren let out an almost desperate sigh as she walked back into the living room. She sat down on the couch, took another deep breath and started talking.

She explained how she had fallen for Ryan over the course of the last year. How she didn’t tell Ryan about her feelings because she didn’t want a long distance relationship. And how they had finally kissed last night, until they got interrupted by Bronx and me.

“This was never supposed to happen, Pete! I like Ryan, a lot. But we were supposed to be friends and call each other and maybe visit every once in a while. I was supposed to go back to London in two weeks,” she said. I noticed the past tense in her words.

“You were?” I asked. “You aren’t going back anymore?”

Lauren’s next words surprised me. “I don’t know…” she said.

Suddenly Bronx started crying in his playpen and Lauren got up to comfort him. I only stared at them. Lauren, who always seemed to have an answer for everything, had managed to leave me speechless.

 **Ryan.**  
“No Brendon, I’m not coming… I don’t feel well, think I’m getting the flu… Yeah, you go have fun. Bye Bren!”

I sighed as I closed my phone. I didn’t like lying to Brendon. And I knew I couldn’t avoid Lauren forever. But I didn’t feel like putting on my happy face tonight. I wasn’t ready to act as if nothing happened last night.

I sank down on my couch and turned on the tv. After flipping through the channels for a while I stopped at the ‘Let it Be’ documentary.

After fifteen minutes I realized I was staring at the photograph of Lauren and Spencer that was hanging above my tv. I let out a heavy sigh as I turned off the tv. Even the Beatles couldn’t keep my attention tonight.

I tossed the remote aside and pulled my laptop closer over the coffee table. I checked my emails, read some comment on the band’s MySpace. I checked Lauren’s twitter, just out of habit.

_Home can be the Pennsylvania turnpike. Indiana’s early morning dew. High up in the hills of California. Home is just another word for you._

_Billy Joel says it all. And if tomorrow you’re still just a friend, I’ll stay up until 11:11 again._

My body seemed to be moving before I could finish reading. I stopped just long enough to grab my keys before running out the door. And I so did not have to run back in to put on some shoes.

It wasn’t until I stopped in front of Pete’s house that I took time to calm myself down a bit. I just sat in my car for a moment, closed my eyes and breathed in and out a few times. It wasn’t of much use. By the time I reached the front door my heart was racing again. I rang the door bell and waited for someone to open the door. I couldn’t help but tap my foot impatiently while I waited.

“Ryan! Hey man! I thought…” The rest of Pete’s greeting faded into the background as I stormed past him to the living room.

I stopped in the doorway and my eyes quickly scanned the room for Lauren. I found her on the window still at the other side of the room. She was laughing at something William Beckett was telling her. Then, as if on cue, she looked up to meet my stare. Her eyes lit up when she noticed me.

I crossed the room in three strides. Before Lauren could say anything, my lips were on hers. I don’t know if it was because the room seemed to disappear around us or just because everybody stopped talking, but the only sound I heard was the content sigh that Lauren breathed out against my lips.

It took a while for us to break apart and when we finally did, we were both gasping for breath. I ignored the wolf whistles and pulled Lauren against my chest.

William gave me an understanding smile and got up from the windowsill without a word. I mouthed him a quick thank you before taking his spot next to Lauren.

“I thought you weren’t feeling too great?” she asked.

“I thought you didn’t want me close?” I mimicked.

“Can’t a girl change her mind?” she questioned in return.

“Sure. And I’m glad you did,” I answered with a smile. I paused a moment before speaking my next words. “I just don’t understand what made you change your mind.”

“I watched Pete and Ash play with Bronx this afternoon. They looked so happy with their little family.” She was tracing a random pattern on the palm of my hand as she spoke. “I always knew I wanted a family, ever since I was a little girl. I was just waiting for the right guy,” she went on. “And then I met you. You swept me of my feet from the moment we met, Ryan.”

She sighed before continuing, “But you lived here in LA and I would go back to London. London has always been my home. I never imagined I wouldn’t be going back. And then you kissed me and I got confused and I kept thinking it over and over. And…”

Lauren finally looked up from her fingers on my palm. She looked into my eyes, as if she wanted to make sure her words, her beautiful words, got through to me. “And then I watched Ashlee and Pete and it all became clear. I never wanted something rational,” she spoke. “I just want you, Ryan.”

She smiled that breathtaking smile of hers as she finished. I couldn’t help but smile as well. I pulled her close and captured her lips again in a gentle, soft kiss. When I pulled back, a single tear rolled down my cheek. A tear of happiness. Lauren brushed the tear away as her thumb caressed my cheek. She smiled when she leaned into my chest. I pulled her as close as I could.

“And Ry… just know that I love you too,” Lauren whispered.

I let out a small chuckle and kissed the top of her head.

 **Pete.**  
I smiled as Lauren whispered something to Ryan that made him chuckle before kissing the top of her head. I pulled Ashlee into my arms. She smiled when I kissed her softly.

“It looks like we can postpone those nanny interviews for a while,” I said to her.

“Are you sure?” Ashlee asked.

“We are not going on tour for another couple of months,” Brendon spoke. He and Patrick had been standing next to me as we had watched the scene unfold.

“And as long as Ryan is around, Lauren won’t be going anywhere!” Patrick chimed in.

Ashlee smiled and we all turned towards the happy new couple again. They were silently talking to each other. Oblivious to their surroundings and completely in love.


End file.
